Letter to no one...part one

Days weeks
months and years
pass by
and still you are
the cancer of my mind.
it was 13 years ago we first met
and a decade ago we became lovers.
Passion, excitement
awakening…
love and then something more
something deeper than love
a bottomless emptiness
that only you could fill.
Life became complicated,
we hid our love away…
true feelings kept hidden,
sloppily tucked away.
I don’t know who we thought we were fooling…
permanent longing, lasting looks
were written all over our faces,
looks shared only by two people
who have shared one soul…
bare, naked
stark and real.
I didn’t get tired of waiting, as you have implied.
Back then, time was on my side.
Wating I could do….it wasn’t the waiting, it was the pain.
Even I, with a higher than normal pain threshold
couldn’t endure the pain you inflicted.
Strike that…
I could endure it,
but not
forever.
Too painful to be reminded of what it was like
to have found home,
only to live in seperate houses…
to steal hours and hours away
together
only to return seperately
and find we were not even missed..
in our houses we were not seen,
not heard, not touched, not felt..
Only together were each of us made whole.
I was ready for you my love…
if only you had asked..
I was yours for the taking.
I did not grow tired of waiting…
I grew tired of hurting.
You were not ready for ME
Once that became clear
what choice did I have?
The ball was set in motion
and I just had to find a way
to keep putting
one foot
in front of
the other.
Just keep moving
go with the flow.
Back then I was stuck in a box.
I didn’t think there were many choices
to escape the box.
If I hadn’t kept moving,
I would still be waiting today in misery.
Thank God I kept moving
through a failed marriage…
thank God I kept going.
You were all that I needed
and yet could never be enough.
How is that possible?
Eight years ago, the evening before
my wedding…a rehearsal dinner…
every toast had deeper meaning.
Words hidden within structured sentences
Every time our eyes would meet the words left unsaid
became crystal clear.
I knew it was a mistake
but it was a mistake I had to make.
Running to the ladies room to throw up
as the knot in my stomach became too much to bear.
The warning signs were all there…
don’t marry someone you’re not in love with anymore.
There was no drama like on TV shows…
no one stood up at the ceremony to object…
but you were there late that night,
I was awake all night
couldn’t sleep…
you the cancer of my mind kept invading my thoughts.
Sitting up in darkness by the window, with the moon my only illumination
I gazed out the window
and saw you.
You were out there across the street…standing outside your car, just looking
towards the house…..