Squandered

I was working through some unresolved anger...

The memories
are not the worst
far more painful
the unknown
a decade passed
years to ache
mourn
lust
hate
resent
and then
stop.

I stopped hating
blaming
resenting
feeling
remembering…
until one day
we spoke.

peculiar circumstances
pretense of civility.
everything came crashing back
onto me
hitting me again
and again
amplilfied
reverberating
round and round my brain.

I suddenly realized
I had a lot to say
unfinished business
we exchanged mindless banter

words masking words
not ready to be penned.
and then
anger~

a conversation
about the past
your memory
completely clouded
from the time
you spent
self medicating
denial denial denial
your favorite word
you were never to blame
the lucky one
getting off
al-ways

you told me
no harm
meant by those words
though you should know
by now
all words
carry
pain

suddenly
i had a need
to make you remember
to understand
to pick your brain
for clues
to know beauty
and youth
were not squandered away

a phone call arranged
i hung up
no clearer
static
through the lines
again
some things transmitted
crystal clear

your memory served well
to recall
the way i looked
with my hips in your hands
the way I’d dine
and devour
your culinary masterpiece
years in the making
waiting
for someone hungry enough
to feast

a dish best served
warm
while on
one’s knees.

left unspoken
the indian corn
‘loverman’
who once was mine
no memory
of the one
who gave
and gave
and
cleaned up
warmed up
held up
while you dt’ed
and fell again
and again
exchanging one high
for another

no…
you got off again
asshole
no memories
of pain

i guarantee the fine
you’ll pay
far cheaper
than the memories
left behind